1T) Makai Lemon 5’11 195 WR USC-“Squeeze my lemon til the juice runs down my leg.” Imagine if you will, a chilly spring evening with a million drunk yinzers gathered in dahntahn Pittsburgh for the 2026 NFL Draft. Commish Roger Goodell announces the Pittsburgh Steelers have traded into the 18th spot of the 1st round. The crowd goes WILD with anticipation. The 3 or 4 sober cynics hidden in a remote corner of the crowd gasp and cry out, “NO! NOT TY SIMPSON!” But no, Roger reads the name “ WR Makai Lemon WR USC!” The drunken mob goes wild with excitement! Yinzers jumping into the muddy Ohio River both to pee and drown! All this draft night entertainment for the low, low, cost of a 4th round comp pick.
2T) Trinidad Chambliss 6’1 200 QB Ole Miss- Imagine if you will, another million now hungover yinzers gathered in dahntahn Pittsburgh Friday for night 2 of the draft. Roger Goodell awakens the locals with ANOTHER trade announcement sending shock waves through the masses when he reads the Steelers’ selection of Trinidad Chambliss QB Ole Miss! The crowd having learned their lesson stays on shore but roars with approval knowing that the days of bore are over and new head coach (?) will be implementing a modern day, FUN, offense we will all enjoy watching happily ever after! All this draft night entertainment for the low, low cost of our 7th round comp and a late round pick next year-ish.
3.) Dominque Orange 6’4 325 DT Iowa St- “Big Citrus” will be a beast in the middle for new head coach Brian Flores. Just kidding (sorta). I don’t know anymore, fellas. Whoever the new HC is, I just know I want a big presence in the middle like the good old days. I don’t care if it’s a 3-4 or 4-3, Put a STUD in the middle that teams have to contend with. Please and thank you.
3.) Carter Smith 6’5 308 OL Indiana- “Hoo-Hoo-HOOSIERS!” Kid has a tall task tonight against the ‘Canes edge rushers, but a solid performance only helps his draft stock.
3C) Eli Apple 6’1 203 CB Ohio State- Ok I ran out of fruity last names to fit my theme. Fellow Buckeye Davison Igbinosun is the real pick here. Another big, physical,(grabby) corner to pair with Joey Jr.
4.) Jalon Kilgore 6’1 211 S South Carolina- Good size Cock for our new defensive coordinator to use as a chess piece similar to how Mike McDonald uses former Cock safety Nick Emmanwori for the Super Bowl Champion Seahawks.
5.) Dallen Bentley 6’4 264 TE Utah- Big Ute is a reputed “tenacious” blocker and displays “sneaky” RAC ability. Would like to see “Muuuuuth” (and Renegade) leave Heinz Field forever. Get off my lawn, indeed.
6.) Jack Kelly 6’2 242 LB BYU- Another Captain Jack for the defense. Nose for the football type that always seems to make a game changing play. Dig the “Holy War” so hopefully the Steelers one day to be named HC demands Steelers scouts venture west of the Mississippi.
6C) Dezhaun Stribling 6’2 200 WR Ole Miss- He and your beloved Steelers new QB Trinidad Chambliss absolutely TORCHED my ‘Dawgs in both meetings this year. Fun player. Dig him.
7.) Robert Henry 5’9 205 RB UTSA- Hell no I’ve never seen a UTSA game, but I do read. I read that this homerun hitter put up 16-177-2 TD stat line vs the Texas A&M wrecking crew earlier this season.
Thanks as always for reading. Please comment on the players you like and those you don’t. Just killing time before tonight’s National Title game. Gotta admit, my first EVER mock without Mike Tomlin as HC has been quite refreshing. PLEASE hire a quality HC so I can resume speaking semi-positively about my once beloved Steelers!
Gooo HOO-HOO-HOOSIERS!
